the proof is in the wait/weight.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
i was raised in the church. this could mean something different from person to person, but for me it simply means that attending Sunday service (plus vacation bible study, plus joining the children’s choir and a slew of other ministries) with my family was the expectation for me and my siblings. there were so many young people in my church that going to church didn’t feel like a chore. now that we are adults, we often talk about the bonds that were formed at my home church. even more, when you’re a child and perhaps you have yet to experience any real adversity, scriptures come off as outdated and unrelatable. but time is an interesting thing. and with time, adversity will certainly follow.
early on in my adulthood, i started experiencing the typical challenges that come with finding one’s way in life. i was raised pretty sheltered, but deep down inside i always desired a level of freedom that to a person with a limited awareness i would be deemed as being “rebellious”. this was far from the truth. i was an excellent student through grade school and my teachers sung my praises. and still, despite the external praise i often felt like something was missing.
i can confidently say that since i was a child i have always been in tune with my soul. of course, i wasn’t savvy enough to convey this much at the time. but, i’ve always had an inner knowing; i’ve always known that i had a purpose. i recall being as young as 8/9 years-old and sharing with my father that i wanted to make a meaningful impact in this world. i wasn’t sure how or what that would entail, but the initial awareness was definitely there.
as time went on, i didn’t know that my pursuit of my purpose would distance me from some of the people i genuinely love(d) and care(d) for. in recent years, i’ve come to understand that when your parents don’t take the time to get to know you—i’m talking beyond the realm of being their child—it can create a cesspool of misunderstanding and therefore miscommunication. this can/will ultimately lead to unbearable chaos, and for all parties involved. but, we thank God for time and its healing power.
on the flip side, as most can relate, i would become torn between pleasing my parents/family or choosing myself and my wants/needs completely free of guilt. the reality is i wasn’t free of guilt for a long time. as a matter of fact, i experienced years of self-inflicted shame whenever i chose to honor what my soul needed versus honoring the needs of another. imagine that.
then, one day i decided it was time to take my ass to therapy.
i have said it on here before, but therapy was one of the best things i have ever done for myself. from the entire experience, the ah-ha moment of all ah-ha moments was when my therapist had me list all of my values. she then asked me to narrow down the ones that were/are most important to me. finally, she lovingly declared that if i’m ever faced with a situation/experience that doesn’t align with my values the situation must be re-evaluated (and it’s probably not for me). it was this particular activity that made me realize that all of the shame/guilt i had previously battled with (when choosing me) was never my burden to bear. i was simply embodying the projections of others which manifested in guilt.
these types of awakenings usually set off a chain of other awakenings, and suddenly you’re shedding past versions of yourself that can no longer contain the person you have become—much less the person you’re becoming. and still i wouldn’t trade any of the growing pains for the world.
i recently watched a video where somewhere declared that “your soul chooses its path”. i believe in reincarnation, so this statement shook me to the core. i immediately saw how true this sentiment was even as it related to my own journey. i’m a firm believer that everything happens just as it should, and that everything is truly happening for me and my highest good. as an extension of this belief, i am confident that there are certain lessons my soul is meant to learn during this iteration of my existence. and mainly so that the future version(s) of my soul won’t have to repeat certain lessons.
when you consider your life in these terms, you understand that everything we go through has more to do with the collective than it has do with anything ego-related. with that, my healing and growth is not just for me—it’s for my parents, my ancestors, and especially for the betterment of the relationships i forge with others.
fast forward, and i often think of my 8/9 year-old self. i think of how confused she was by certain circumstances that weren’t her own doing, but i especially think about how misunderstood she was by those who were meant to protect her. through work around inner child healing, i now make it a point to re-parent her in ways that others simply couldn’t/didn’t know how. through this, i develop grace/compassion for myself and i’m able to extend that much to others (with boundaries).
today, i’m more thankful than ever that the weight of my trauma only propelled me into a loving relationship with myself and God. it took a lot of undoing and unlearning. it required patience to endure the storms that came with facing unhealed parts of myself and after all of that, to still boldly choose myself.
and that’s where the proof is: in the weight of the struggle + the wait for the struggle to be no more.
but redemption is possible.
and it is as near as you want it to be. it is as near as you choose it to be.
